2009-07

lately i don’t know what’s eating me

i’m easily disturbed by different things… i stare into space, i cry easily, i feel like blocking off the rest of the world. i didn’t want to believe anyone or anything. i doubt what i see or what i hear. god, i don’t even want to listen to my own thoughts…

ever had that feeling that you have this totally big problem but you can’t just pinpoint what it is? i do… that’s what i’m feeling now… and it’s definitely placing a stop in my life…

it’s as if i feel like everyone’s against me although i’m not fighting with anyone… i just feel like no matter how i put it, noone would understand me and that i am facing all these by myself… that if i open up to anyone, they’d just give me sermons about things that i already know but i cannot accept…

i hope this is just a phase. i try my best to be cheerful but i just can’t.. i don’t want to be pretentious. i show what i feel. it’s starting to bother the people around me but what can i do? i gues im just not meant to be happy..

　Please click this banner! It makes me to be happy!　

Depression really has its way of eating your soul no matter how much you try to ignore it. i can party my nights away and laugh with my friends all day but the fact remains that it’s still there inside me – gnawing away my soul. i don’t even know why i’m depressed in the first place. i just feel… sad, heavy hearted, upset, and well – depressed. i have no idea why i feel this way. i got everything i want. no one’s stopping me from doing the things i want to do anymore. i don’t have anyone on my back interrogating me everyday. it’s all so… weird. maybe i’m just not used to it.

People start noticing that i’m loosing weight and ask me how i do it. i give them one answer: depression. i don’t know how i do it. i’m just depressed. too depressed to eat, too depressed to world.. i just lost the drive and vigor to do things these days. i’d rather lock myself in my own room, lie down on my bed and stare into space. i can’t go out in to the world and pretend that i’m ok when in fact i’m not. that would be called pretension – a different thing from depression. god, am i going nuts?

it’s just a phase… maybe i’d get over it in a few weeks… i hope so.

　Please click this banner! It makes me to be happy!　

It’s normal to feel bad when things don’t go your way. Keep in mind that you will eventually feel better. Everyone has different needs and speeds when it comes to emotional healing. Instead of denying your emotions, allow yourself to freely feel. Feeling is a step towards healing, because you get to deal with the pain, instead of stifling it. Sure, you may feel really awful when you learn that the guy you fancy doesn’t like you back, but be optimistic. Reflection on a positive thought or action that you can use to help move forward.

　Please click this banner! It makes me to be happy!